Marriage Refresher, Ephesians 5:21-23

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Marriage Refresher

Ephesians 5:21-33

Introduction: Marriage is important to talk about because it is the central, descriptive relationship that tells us what life with God will be like. The Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage.

Our church and our souls will be destroyed without careful attention to our marriages. Our church cannot be evangelistic without our careful attention our marriages. 

If you are single, you also need this in order to accurately evaluate your future, the possibility you would marry, and because marriage is the foundational picture of God’s relationship with you. 

Most people have a distorted view of marriage based on personal experiences and the culture around us. God provided marriage to solve loneliness (Gen. 2:18). That is not the exclusive reason, but it is a primary reason.

We must remember, the way we understand and practice marriage is part of the “worthy walk” to which we have been called (Eph. 4:1).

You may be a Bible believer, but the question before us is whether you trust the Bible when it comes to roles of husbands and wives, how love, sex, marriage, and children fit into God’s plan. 

  1. Grounded in the Authority of God
  1. I do not believe there is any area of life that requires greater trust in God than when it comes to dating and marriage. No relationship presses harder on us to “go our own way” than in dating and marriage. The challenge is to do things God’s way even when every part of our being feels like there is a better way.
  2. We tend to stress complete obedience in most areas of life. But when it comes to marriage and romantic relationships we live in the framework of “I can do whatever I like. My situation is special. God is not serious about everyone obeying that particular point.”
  3. When we close the door to our house, we have a strong tendency to speak to God like an unruly child: You are not the boss of me.
  4. We have rights in regard to our government, but with God we have no rights other than what He says we can have. “All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and He does according to His will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay His hand or say to him, ‘What have you done?’” (Dan. 4:35)
  5. In the text before us, Paul clearly stresses authority. Nothing in the text suggests that these are culturally based commands.
    1. The foundation of the text is the relationship between Christ and the church.
    2. There are pictures of headship and submission that clearly reflects the concept of authority.
    3. There are phrases like, “as unto the Lord” (wife: 22, husband: 29) that root Paul’s words in the authority of Christ.
    4. There are direct commands to both husbands and wives.
    5. Verse 31 of our text quotes Genesis 2. Therefore this text is not culturally grounded. It is grounded in the origination of this great relationship; it is grounded in God’s original design.
  6. Here is our problem: it never fails that as we read this text and come to grips with all that is involved, there are two words that immediately come into our head, if not out of our mouth – “yeah, but you don’t understand the marriage I’m in! You don’t understand what it is like to live with my husband/wife!” Imagine yourself saying that to God’s face.
  1. The Problem with the World’s View of Marriage
    1. Legal scholar John Witte “explains that a new view of marriage emerged from the 18th and 19th century Enlightenment. Older cultures taught their members to find meaning in duty, by embracing their assigned social roles and carrying them out faithfully. During the Enlightenment, things began to shift. The meaning of life came to be seen as the fruit of the freedom of the individual to choose the life that most fulfills him or her personally. Instead of finding meaning through self-denial, through giving up one’s freedoms, and binding oneself to the duties of marriage and family, marriage was redefined as finding emotional and sexual fulfillment and self-actualization.” The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller 
    2. Therefore at the root of marital problems today is that spouses seek to find meaning in marriage through self-fulfillment instead of self-denial. The belief is that marriage should not in any way limit the individual’s quest for meeting personal goals. The needs of the many are subjugated to the desires of the one.
    3. Further, marriage today is based on compatibility. People look for the soul mate. The problem with this view is, what might be considered compatible between a man and a woman today, will end very shortly. We are not simply promising to love, honor, and respect the person we are marrying today, we are making a vow to the person he or she will be. Nothing in this text suggests that commitment to one another is allowed to change as the individual changes.
    4. People who seek a soul mate are seeking one who can fulfill their deepest needs. In today’s marriages one’s partner is expected to complete us and fulfill us. Thus we expect our spouse to be able to do what only God can do. When that does not happen, we become bitter and disillusioned and begin to think that we have chosen the wrong person. No, you are seeking fulfillment in the wrong place.
  1. Foundation for a Godly Marriage
  1. Vs. 32 “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Chapter 3:10 states that the church was God’s eternal purpose. He planned His relationship with His people before He made the world. Thus when God designed marriage in the Garden, he patterned it to showcase His relationship to His redeemed people. There are many implications to this:
    1. This is a powerful answer to the objection that marriage is inherently oppressive or that submission by wives/sacrificial headship by husbands would ultimately be unfulfilling! Jesus was submissive to the Father and found glory. Jesus led husbands in sacrificial headship so that they would find glory. The church submits to Christ and finds glory just as a wife to her husband and finds glory.
    2. Therefore, marriage works fully only when it is patterned after the relationship of Christ with the church. In fact, the fullness and wonder of marriage happens only in the sacrificial headship of a husband and the submissive respect of his wife.
    3. The gospel is the pattern for marriage. Isn’t it interesting that Paul used the crucifixion as the foundation for the marriage relationship? In fact, in this text marriage is the way the gospel and the relationship between Christ and the church is unveiled.
    4. Look at the parallel between the gospel and marriage. In the gospel, sinful, flawed people are forgiven and accepted in Jesus. In marriage, we use the power of forgiveness and acceptance to transform us into a people who love more deeply than ever imagined so that we also forgive and accept, as well as are forgiven and accepted.
  2. Notice that Paul begins the discussion with “be filled with the Spirit.” 
    1. This reveals for us how important faith in Jesus is to the foundation of a good marriage.
    2. Submission is not uncomfortable when we are filled with the Spirit. Sacrificing for our wives as Christ gave Himself for the church is not restricting when we are filled with the Spirit! 
    3. “Filled with the Spirit” gives us continual strength to fuel our marriage. We get our fullness from God which frees us from being frustrated and demanding toward our spouse. If we are filled with the Spirit, we are not expecting our spouse to do what only God can do.
  3. The covenantal aspect of the relationship: Verse 31.
    1. Notice that there is strength in this covenant so that it binds which causes its endurance even in the most difficult times. “Covenant” is God’s strongest type of promise (Prov. 2:17; Mal. 2:15-16).
    2. The covenantal aspect of marriage offers protection:
      1. To the vulnerabilities that both spouses have in the relationship (people in love naturally want to make vows of permanence [whether married or not]: “I will love you always.” We both want to give and receive such. Covenantal permanence protects both spouses from deep wounds. Cf. Malachi 2:16, “covers his garment with violence”)
      2. For the children
      3. For the foundation of the fabric of society
  4. A person who says, “I love you, but we don’t need to be married” or, “I will break this covenant if you don’t meet my standards,” is saying, “I don’t love you enough to curtail my freedom for you.” Therefore, the covenant does not stifle love, but is a way of bringing love to its greatest potential because it accepts the radical act of self-giving.
  5. The problem of merely dating or living together or without a covenantal promise is that you have to prove your value daily by impressing and enticing your mate that the relationship is still worth staying. But in the covenant of marriage we find the freedom of trust. With trust love grows exponentially. That is why our relationship to Christ is so fulfilling. Imagine if there were no covenant and we were dependent on impressing our Creator enough that He would stick with us (Muslims!).
  6. Studies show that two-thirds of unhappy marriages will be happy in 5 years if people stay together. What makes that happen? Vows!

Conclusion: Marriage is the showcase of the gospel and the ultimate relationship of God & His people. We need to be impressed with the fact that the Bible begins with the wedding of Adam and Eve and ends with the wedding of Christ and the church.

Berry Kercheville

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