Six Relational Sins that Destroy Love

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Six Relational Sins that Destroy Love

Introduction: Proverbs 18:19, “A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle” (ESV). “An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars” (NLT).

Look carefully at the above text. The ruin of a friendship is clearly pictured. Two people who were at one time close are now so estranged that for one to win back the other is like conquering a strong city or breaking through the bars of a castle. What is amazing is, the proverb shows that even when one friend wants to renew the relationship, he almost always fails. He may plead, apologize, and approach his former friend with any number of considerate behaviors but he cannot break down the wall that is between him and his friend.

Now think of this same thing happening between a husband and wife. Now we need to talk about why two people who at one time so passionately and excitedly loved each other could come to a point that the separation between them is like the bars of a castle. 

  1. Understanding Destructive Relational Sins
    1. No marriage is immune to building the bars of a castle between the two of them. Young couples often think their marriage is bulletproof – they can act just about any way they want without any consequences to the relationship. However, the person we have deeply loved also has the greatest ability to hurt us deeply.
    2. Husbands and wives have done the kind of hurtful things they would never dream of saying to someone else.
    3. The proverb illustrates how much care must be taken to avoid offending a friend or spouse. It is easily done, and when it is done there are serious consequences.
    4. We all understand that love is built over time. Each of us have built a certain measure of brotherly love between us. And, we all recognize that the amount of love we have with any given person is different. The different levels of love is dependent on the amount of time we have spent with each other and how positive or negative those times together have been. We also recognize that the deeper our love, the more enjoyable and comfortable the relationship. We also know that the risk of being disappointed and hurt is also higher.
    5. The same is true with romantic love in marriage:
      1. It took time to grow love to the point of marriage. Significant time, between 15-25 hours per week.
      2. It also took an overwhelming amount of positive interactions for the love to grow. It is the reason that in dating, people are typically more cautious about revealing their true self. We tend to be more disciplined and careful about what we say, what we do, and how we react to circumstances.
      3. However, what most people do not consciously recognize about relational love is that there are two ways that “loving feeling” is easily and quickly lost:
        1. When we decrease the amount of time together, love is not nourished and fed. After awhile, suspicions can arise about the others feelings and actions. Misunderstandings and offenses happen more easily, which accelerates the amount of love that is lost.
        2. While a lack of time together slowly erodes love in a relationship, sinful behavior immediately deals a major blow to the feelings of love. When that behavior becomes habitual, the love once gained will quickly become bankrupted. As in the proverb, rebuilding that love is like breaking through the bars of a castle.
    6. The problem we face is thinking about being with someone who will treat us in the way we would like to be loved, instead of thinking primarily about how to nurture love in the heart of the person from which we desire love. That is what God did and does with us. God first considered how to get us to love him by what he did for us.
  2. Six Relational Sins that Destroy Love
    1. Sinful Anger. Anger is exhibited in numerous ways from withdrawal, silent treatment, and passive-aggressive actions to outbursts of wrath, quarreling, slanderous talk, and throwing things (“clamor”). Paul said, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (Eph. 4:31).
      1. Everyone has an anger weapon that is instantly ready for use when we feel it is needed. Why might anger be “needed,” especially in a church family or in a marriage? 
      2. Anger is a way of controlling other people and circumstances for my own personal benefit.
      3. Anger is a way of punishing a person for violating “my space” or my sense of “ought.” It is a personal way of rendering justice for myself, by repaying evil for evil.
      4. What is interesting is that the angry person does not believe he/she can calmly reason with their mate. In fact, it never crosses their mind. After all, if I have a calm discussion with my friend or spouse, I may find out I am in the wrong and I will have to change. I would far prefer to bludgeon them into submission. After all, anger weapons work fairly well … for awhile. 
      5. The long term problem of sinning against a brother or a spouse is that the hurt you inflict will cause a person’s love and warm feelings toward you to diminish. And when their love for you diminishes, they are less likely to be responsive to your needs. We are not just sinning, WE ARE BUILDING THE BARS OF A CASTLE between us and our spouse/brother!
    2. Disrespectful Judgments
      1. Matt. 7:1-5. We usually think of this text in religious matters, but rarely realize how common it is in marriages. The word “judge” in this text means, “to assume censorial power over, to call to account; to bring under question, to try as a judge.”
      2. Romans 14:1 Paul said, “Accept the one who is weak in faith, but not to quarrel over opinions.” By combining these texts we can see that the opposite of judging is accepting. The judging is being done on the basis of personal standards, and the opposite of judging is acceptance. In other words, in a marriage we have a choice. I and my spouse are flawed. Will we get mad and critical about the flaws (wishing we had married a different person with a different set of flaws!!), or will we accept our spouse without expecting that he/she can be our personal god fulfilling all or desires? 
      3. This is seen in the church when members become “busybodies” in other people’s matters” by being critical of how they run their personal lives or families. It is also seen when members are constantly critical when elders do not make decisions that fit their preferences. It is seen in marriage when one or both spouses are constantly critical of the other’s behavior.
      4. Therefore, critical judgments are a sin expressed by Jesus as a person who becomes a “mote-finder” in another’s eye while having a beam in your own. Though you may be right about your evaluation of your spouse, trying to change him or her with criticisms is self-defeating. When they love you less, they are less likely to change.
    3. Annoying Behavior 
      1. “He who blesses his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it will be counted a curse to him” (Pro. 27:14). “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house, lest he become weary of you and hate you” (Prov. 25:17). “As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly” (Prov. 26:11). The operative word here is “repeats.” What makes certain behaviors annoying is its repetition.
      2. What is the matter with a person who does this? Do they have good intentions? Sure! He is so happy to see his neighbor and morning is a wonderful, happy time, he wants to share his joy with everyone. But what this person hasn’t done is consider the feelings of his neighbor.
      3. Titus 3:2, “to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”The Proverbs go beyond personal habits and speak of all kinds of behavior that are destructive to a relationship:
      4. An undisciplined spouse: “Whoever has no rule over his spirit is like a city broken down without walls” (Prov. 25:28). Such a person is an embarrassment to their spouse. They do and say whatever comes into their mind.
      5. The lazy spouse: “As vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes, so is the slothful man to those who send him” Prov. 10:26). A husband/wife that will not fulfill their responsibilities is a strong irritant.
      6. The self-important spouse: “It is not good to eat much honey; so to seek one’s own glory is not glory” (Prov. 25:27).
      7. Spouse who will not keep promises: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes it is a tree of life” (Prov. 13:12).
      8. The tale-bearing spouse: “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates the best of friends” (Prov. 17:9). This illustrates a spouse who tells his mates faults.
      9. The spouse without taste: “As a ring of gold in a sine’s snout, so is a lovely woman who lacks discretion (taste), (Prov. 11:22). She may be beautiful in appearance, but when she speaks or dresses she is an embarrassment.
      10. Summed up, how do you know if practice annoying behaviors? When you are told that it is annoying! It may not be your intention, but it is still annoying.
    4. Independent Behavior
      1. Independent behavior happens both in the church and in the home. It happens in marriage when a spouse prefers other people or activities above time needed to nurture the marriage. It is practiced the same way in the church when God’s work in the local body is superseded by other secular interests.
      2. This is commonly practiced today because most people believe that my rights and my personal aspirations should never be sacrificed. I am my own god. 
      3. In a marriage, love cannot be grown and nourished unless we spend 15 hours a week together relating and doing things together. When we repeatedly violate our marital priorities with other interests, we will eventually pay the price.
    5. Selfish Demands
      1. A couple walked into my office one time obviously upset. The man said, “Would you tell her she is supposed to submit to me!” It is amazing a relationship would get to that point, but sometimes they do.
      2. Selfish demands are usually a result of personal expectations in the marriage not being met. When asking politely does not work, a spouse will resort to threats. A marriage based on demands is self-defeating an guarantees misery. Joyful relationships are built on love. Each person has experienced God’s love and therefore uses that same love to give themselves up for others.
      3. Threats and demands are a violation of love: “love does not behave rudely” 1 Cor. 13:5. While most people will cave into a threat/demand for a time, we will soon say, “So what? I’d rather endure whatever you are threatening! 
    6. Dishonesty 
      1. “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet” (Pro. 29:5). “He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterward than he who flatters with the tongue” (Pro. 28:23). What actually is happening in this text? A man tells his neighbor he is doing great rather than risking the friendship by telling the truth. The result is, he spreads a net for his feet. By not exposing the sinful direction of his life, he gave his neighbor no opportunity to adjust his lifestyle and the eventually suffers the consequences.
      2. This is the way dishonesty works in a marriage. One spouse’s feelings are hurt, but he or she does not reveal to their spouse the hurt. The result is that the offending spouse never makes any adjustments and the hurt is repeated and love is lost. The silence is dishonesty and it makes it impossible for a marriage to grow.
      3. There is a difference between honesty and critical judgments:
        1. “I’d like to spend more time with you.” (Honest feeling)
        2. “I become upset when I’m left alone at night” (honest)
        3. “I’m the least important person in your life. You’d rather be with anyone but me.” (Critical judgment)
        4. “If you don’t spend more time with me, I’ll find someone else.” (Selfish demand)

Conclusion: There are three reasons this lesson is important:

      1. These habits are sins committed between brethren and in marriages. Our salvation is at stake. 
      2. The quality of our relationships strongly affects our sense of wellbeing. Nothing is more painful than a failed marriage.
      3. The quality of our marriages and relationships affects our ability to reach those who are lost (Jn. 13:34).

Berry Kercheville

Adapted from ‘Love Busters’ by Willard Harley

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